I’m one of those people that apologise way too much. You know, you bump into me and knock my coffee on the ground but I’m the one saying sorry.
I know it’s probably a symptom of my inherent anxiety that I’ve only recently been prithy to its existence, and also my lack of self esteem and confidence. Still, knowing this I just can’t stop apologising for my existence.
I was at derby practice last night and my partner had to tell me to stop apologising when I bumped her – when we were doing fucking contact! Like duh this is what the sport consists of, and I’m still apologising for doing the right thing, still constantly feeling like one big fucking boil on the ass of the earth.
I can’t stop, yet I know it’s vastly affecting me and adds to this boiling resentment and anger I have inside me that makes me so angry at the world.
Ever since I remember I have just felt like a doormat, like a piece of cellophane that nobody notices or cares or listens to. And I have just accepted that as my essence.
I finished my graduate diploma the other day (I hope anyway, if my pass my exam). When I finished, instead of being proud of myself or whatever, I went and bought a gift for my partner to thank him for being there through it – another back handed apology. Instead of me being congratulated for this achievement, I’m still apologising “sorry for all my stressing during my studies, take this gift as a sign of my appreciation”. Which of course, his support is worth thanking – but it just feels so backwards. I’m always putting everyone else in the spotlight…
I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I guess because I’ve run away this morning – I’ve been awake since 5am due to the boys sleeping, we had a fight and I cracked the shits and left. Not cool, I know he can’t help it, but I’m getting sleep deprived slowly because of it. But you know, he’s had a hard week so I should just deal with it.